Hello there! I was browsing some blogs lately about life. It helped me to realized that life is so important so I should treasure it and I should thank God for this. My life's not perfect but at I should learn to love every imperfections of it. So I decided to live my life to the fullest and be happy. No more dramas, no more suicides, no more negative thoughts, etc. And if you asked me about the letters, no. No suicide letters were made.
I still have problems but I know God is here to help and guide me. :)
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Saturday, 13 August 2011
Sunday, 7 August 2011
Letters
Hello everyone!!! I'm extremely happy now. Why?? Because the end is near. Right now, I'm making a list of names of people in my life who gave a very big contribution to what I am today. And tonight until tomorrow, I'm going to make letters to them. Thank you letter, hate letter, etc. It depends on the person. After three weeks, I'm going to give it to them. Someone will give it to them. at that time, maybe, I'm not here anymore. So, on Tuesday, I'll give the letters to my friend. I'll put it in an envelope and seal it. I'll give instructions on what to do. First, I'll tell him to open the envelope after three weeks. There will be a letter for him inside the envelope. I'll ask him to give the letters to the people on the list.
This is going to be my last letter to them. My last remembrance. You're lucky if you've received one. :)
This is going to be my last letter to them. My last remembrance. You're lucky if you've received one. :)
Saturday, 6 August 2011
Suicidal Thoughts
Have you ever feel that you're alone and no one understands you? The feeling that you're tired of all the things happening around you? You have no one to talk to but yourself? And all you've ever wanted at that moment is to end all of your sufferings?
If you're going to ask me those questions, my answer is YES! I feel so alone. I feel like no understands me. No one knows that I have a problem because no one ever asks me. I have under a lot of stress lately. I don't know what to do. All I can do is cry, cry and cry. I'm afraid this will lead to depression or maybe I am on that state already. All I want is for them to understand me. I want support from my family and friends. But instead, they are the one who hurt me emotionally and physically(when I was a child).
It all started when I was living with my uncle. I was 2 years old back then. His wife would beat me whenever I did something she didn't like. I remember one time, I was drinking softdrinks and suddenly it split and it stained my dress. She beat me and my uncle did nothing. Imagine, he's my uncle and all he did was watched my aunt beat me up until I got bruises. I never told my mom about this(my mom's working abroad up to now).
When I was in Grade 3, I should be the on the "Top 3 Most Outstanding Students" but my teacher back then was my classmate's aunt. So she switched our places and I became the Top 4 and he became the Top 3. I didn't complain although it made me feel bad because that's me! I just kept my feelings to myself rather than telling it to other people. But that incident affected my studies. Since then, I never studied my lessons. I got low grades and from being Top 4, I became Top 8.
And then when I was in 5th grade, my grandmother told me that my father would never live with us because he had a family even before he met my mother. When my mother came back to the Philippines for a vacation, I didn't brought up the topic to her. I was to afraid to know the truth. But one night, she asked me what I knew. I didn't answer her question and all I could do was cry(I'm very good at it). And then she told me the truth. You know what, ever since a kid, all I'd ever wanted was to be with my parents and live a very happy life. But that night, I knew that my dream would never come true.
Right after my elementary graduation, I went to the city. I left my friends and all the people I knew behind to have a better education. But here, i met the worst people in the world. The bully ones. Yes, I'd been bullied by my "friends". Of all the people in our class, my friends were the one who made my highschool life miserable. They said bad things about my appearance. My curly hair and they even told me that I had body odor. I never confronted them. I thought that it would just made things worst. So I called my mom and cried. I told her everything but she did nothing. For four years, I lived in a place called hell.
College, okay this was the happiest moment of my life. I told to myself, "You're free now. You will never see them again." Happiest and yet the worst. Why? Because I took B.S. Nursing. I never dreamed of becoming a nurse. But of course, my mom's the one who decided it. I also met people who wanted to be with me when they needed something. This's when I'd got my first and second heartbreak. I never had a boyfriend because I was fat. I had friends but are they really my friends?
And now, I'm already done with college but I still have a lot of problems(just read my previous posts).
Because of those things I've already told you, I think that my life is a big mess. No one will care whether I'm gone or not. and let me tell you something, I have passive suicidal ideation(wanting to die but has no plans of killing myself) before. But after what happened this past few days and after reading the book entitled "Thirteen Reasons Why", I've thought of ending my life again. But now, I'm serious. You may think I'm crazy. Yes maybe I am. But I have the signs of a suicidal person. I answered a questionnaire about signs of suicide here http://www.stopasuicide.org/signs.aspx and then the result is "If you checked boxes under Parts I and II, the suicide risk is even higher."
Other than that, my other signs are hopelessness, depression, lost of interest in activities, persistent thoughts about the possibility of something bad happening, anxiety, insomnia/sleep deprivation, sudden change of appearance(got a hair cut after almost a year). If you read this, maybe you're going to ask me, "If you're really serious about of ending your life, then why would you write it in here?" The answer is......... none of my friends and relatives knows about my blog site. Actually there is one. But I doubt that he'll going to visit this site again. I hope he's not too late when read this.
Or maybe, I just want you, YES YOU, to help me.
If you're going to ask me those questions, my answer is YES! I feel so alone. I feel like no understands me. No one knows that I have a problem because no one ever asks me. I have under a lot of stress lately. I don't know what to do. All I can do is cry, cry and cry. I'm afraid this will lead to depression or maybe I am on that state already. All I want is for them to understand me. I want support from my family and friends. But instead, they are the one who hurt me emotionally and physically(when I was a child).
It all started when I was living with my uncle. I was 2 years old back then. His wife would beat me whenever I did something she didn't like. I remember one time, I was drinking softdrinks and suddenly it split and it stained my dress. She beat me and my uncle did nothing. Imagine, he's my uncle and all he did was watched my aunt beat me up until I got bruises. I never told my mom about this(my mom's working abroad up to now).
When I was in Grade 3, I should be the on the "Top 3 Most Outstanding Students" but my teacher back then was my classmate's aunt. So she switched our places and I became the Top 4 and he became the Top 3. I didn't complain although it made me feel bad because that's me! I just kept my feelings to myself rather than telling it to other people. But that incident affected my studies. Since then, I never studied my lessons. I got low grades and from being Top 4, I became Top 8.
And then when I was in 5th grade, my grandmother told me that my father would never live with us because he had a family even before he met my mother. When my mother came back to the Philippines for a vacation, I didn't brought up the topic to her. I was to afraid to know the truth. But one night, she asked me what I knew. I didn't answer her question and all I could do was cry(I'm very good at it). And then she told me the truth. You know what, ever since a kid, all I'd ever wanted was to be with my parents and live a very happy life. But that night, I knew that my dream would never come true.
Right after my elementary graduation, I went to the city. I left my friends and all the people I knew behind to have a better education. But here, i met the worst people in the world. The bully ones. Yes, I'd been bullied by my "friends". Of all the people in our class, my friends were the one who made my highschool life miserable. They said bad things about my appearance. My curly hair and they even told me that I had body odor. I never confronted them. I thought that it would just made things worst. So I called my mom and cried. I told her everything but she did nothing. For four years, I lived in a place called hell.
College, okay this was the happiest moment of my life. I told to myself, "You're free now. You will never see them again." Happiest and yet the worst. Why? Because I took B.S. Nursing. I never dreamed of becoming a nurse. But of course, my mom's the one who decided it. I also met people who wanted to be with me when they needed something. This's when I'd got my first and second heartbreak. I never had a boyfriend because I was fat. I had friends but are they really my friends?
And now, I'm already done with college but I still have a lot of problems(just read my previous posts).
Because of those things I've already told you, I think that my life is a big mess. No one will care whether I'm gone or not. and let me tell you something, I have passive suicidal ideation(wanting to die but has no plans of killing myself) before. But after what happened this past few days and after reading the book entitled "Thirteen Reasons Why", I've thought of ending my life again. But now, I'm serious. You may think I'm crazy. Yes maybe I am. But I have the signs of a suicidal person. I answered a questionnaire about signs of suicide here http://www.stopasuicide.org/signs.aspx and then the result is "If you checked boxes under Parts I and II, the suicide risk is even higher."
Other than that, my other signs are hopelessness, depression, lost of interest in activities, persistent thoughts about the possibility of something bad happening, anxiety, insomnia/sleep deprivation, sudden change of appearance(got a hair cut after almost a year). If you read this, maybe you're going to ask me, "If you're really serious about of ending your life, then why would you write it in here?" The answer is......... none of my friends and relatives knows about my blog site. Actually there is one. But I doubt that he'll going to visit this site again. I hope he's not too late when read this.
Or maybe, I just want you, YES YOU, to help me.
Friday, 29 July 2011
I, My Mom and My Aunt
Something happened this afternoon. Something that couldn't be easily forgotten.
My uncle came to our house. I thought he went to scold me. He knew that my mom and I were not in good terms and until now we're not talking to each other. He asked me how I've been. I was just about to open my mouth to answer his question when his phone rung. My mom's calling. She wanted to talk to me. So we talked and of course, as usual, she's mad. No yelling but you could feel that she's really mad and hurt. Here's what we talked about; SHE DOESN'T WANT TO SEE ME AGAIN!!! Of course, "I was" and "I am" hurt by what she said. She's my mother and she's the only one I've got. I am an only child and my dad's with his own family now. She also said that after three months, she's not going to give me money. It's my fault by the way because I insisted that I wouldn't take the Nursing Licensure Exam because this's something that I never dreamt of becoming. I also told her that I would find a job so I could study again(I want to be an engineer or an accountant). She decided that she would give me three months to find a job and after that we should forget each other. She also told me that I should live on my own, meaning, I wasn't allowed to stay at my aunt's house in Manila when I already have a job. She asked me to give our house keys to my uncle. She didn't want me to stay in our house either.
After our little but heartbreaking chat, my aunt(my uncle's wife) confronted me. I wasn't aware that she's with my uncle. She asked me what my problem is and that I could tell her everything. No one ever spoke to me like that in my family. I could see the sincerity and concern in her eyes. I was crying while telling her my problem and frustrations in life. They made me feel that I wasn't alone. That I could rely on her. And when she stated these words, "Ano pa ba ang problema mo bukod kay mommy mo? Pwede mo sabihin sa amin ni tatay boy mo. Anak na rin ang tingin namin sa'yo Anne, nandito lang kami. Di ka namin papabayaan. " It felt like God sent them(my aunt and uncle) from above to talk to me. They told me that everything would be back to normal and I could confide on them. I was touched. Never in my life someone made me feel special.
They already went home but still my tears kept falling. I thanked them for coming over. At least now, I know someone who still cares about me.
Thank you Nanay and Tatay. I just hope you'll never give up on me like what my Mom did.
My uncle came to our house. I thought he went to scold me. He knew that my mom and I were not in good terms and until now we're not talking to each other. He asked me how I've been. I was just about to open my mouth to answer his question when his phone rung. My mom's calling. She wanted to talk to me. So we talked and of course, as usual, she's mad. No yelling but you could feel that she's really mad and hurt. Here's what we talked about; SHE DOESN'T WANT TO SEE ME AGAIN!!! Of course, "I was" and "I am" hurt by what she said. She's my mother and she's the only one I've got. I am an only child and my dad's with his own family now. She also said that after three months, she's not going to give me money. It's my fault by the way because I insisted that I wouldn't take the Nursing Licensure Exam because this's something that I never dreamt of becoming. I also told her that I would find a job so I could study again(I want to be an engineer or an accountant). She decided that she would give me three months to find a job and after that we should forget each other. She also told me that I should live on my own, meaning, I wasn't allowed to stay at my aunt's house in Manila when I already have a job. She asked me to give our house keys to my uncle. She didn't want me to stay in our house either.
After our little but heartbreaking chat, my aunt(my uncle's wife) confronted me. I wasn't aware that she's with my uncle. She asked me what my problem is and that I could tell her everything. No one ever spoke to me like that in my family. I could see the sincerity and concern in her eyes. I was crying while telling her my problem and frustrations in life. They made me feel that I wasn't alone. That I could rely on her. And when she stated these words, "Ano pa ba ang problema mo bukod kay mommy mo? Pwede mo sabihin sa amin ni tatay boy mo. Anak na rin ang tingin namin sa'yo Anne, nandito lang kami. Di ka namin papabayaan. " It felt like God sent them(my aunt and uncle) from above to talk to me. They told me that everything would be back to normal and I could confide on them. I was touched. Never in my life someone made me feel special.
They already went home but still my tears kept falling. I thanked them for coming over. At least now, I know someone who still cares about me.
Thank you Nanay and Tatay. I just hope you'll never give up on me like what my Mom did.
Wednesday, 27 July 2011
Lonely
Earphones on. Music on full blast. —— That’s what I do whenever I feel sad and lonely.
These past few days are the worst days of my life. I feel so alone in this place called “Earth”. I feel like no one really cares about me. I’ve been crying for so many days and nights. Every minute, I’m checking my phone if I have a new message. But hey, no one ever bothers to phone me. What makes me sadder right now is that I have a big big big problem with my family. And I want to tell it to my friends but where are they??? Do I really have one?
And now, all I can do is listen to music, cry and write all my feelings hereso everyone can read it.
These past few days are the worst days of my life. I feel so alone in this place called “Earth”. I feel like no one really cares about me. I’ve been crying for so many days and nights. Every minute, I’m checking my phone if I have a new message. But hey, no one ever bothers to phone me. What makes me sadder right now is that I have a big big big problem with my family. And I want to tell it to my friends but where are they??? Do I really have one?
And now, all I can do is listen to music, cry and write all my feelings here
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